Real

I still receive the Baby Center updates I enjoyed during my pregnancy. Watching baby develop on the site from tadpole to chicken/alien (you be the judge) to human was a weekly ritual. Marq and I read each "your baby this week" update for news on our child as though it were a report card from school. Now that Ya is here, we read the updates to confirm our suspicions that our son is indeed gifted :)

The 4-week-old report says that he shouldn't have tears yet... but Ya does.
When his little lower lip quivers and his eyes squeeze shut, I see those tears well up in his eyes.

Today, while whimpering about being set down (I swear he LOVES to be held all day), I saw one of those so-called non-tears roll down his cheek. I felt so bad that I had to cuddle him and kiss him and tell him Mommy was with him. Those tears are real and they are convincing. I'm admittedly a sap when I see them fall and Ya knows he'll get an instant reaction. Of course I have delayed my responses once or twice to snap a picture (and then I felt bad for making a photo of his misery).

The same site also says that a 4-week-old doesn't have the ability to selectively grasp at things. Tell that to Yadon. When he is really mad and we try to soothe with a pacifier, he lets us know he will accept no substitutes by yanking the cord of the paci or by ripping the pacifier itself out of his mouth. His control is real. Put the no-scratch gloves on our little boxer and he'll be free in no time. Usually the first one goes sailing into the air as he throws his arm in aggravation and the second is pulled off by the naked hand. The gloves: gone in 60 seconds. Daddy won that time guess bet!

When it comes to development, Yadon is setting his own rules. Maybe these landmarks he's hitting aren't a real sign of genius, but his Mommy and Daddy are convinced he is one...

One Amazing Month

We're here now, just a few hours shy of one month since Yadon's birth.

It's kind of funny how quickly life adapts to change. Suddenly I can't remember life without Ya - - and I can't bear the thought of not having him in it.

We've had a few tough days and nights, but these shall pass.

When I look at my son, I see perfection. His soft brown skin. His little folded ears. Piano fingers and elegant toes. Strong legs and arms. Dark brown curls of hair. He's simply amazing.

When he opens his eyes and looks at me, my heart melts. What might those eyes be seeing? Does he know I'm his mama?

His little coos - earlier than expected - the first method of talking to me. I can't wait until he says his first words. I wonder what they'll be. Will he tell me he loves me times infinity times infinity like Chi does?

His caresses. Are they involuntary like the websites on baby development suggest? I think not. Somehow I know those gentle touches of his fingers are intentional. His reaching out toward me is not an uncontrolled reflex. Those grasping fingers know exactly what they're holding.

Carl Sandburg is quoted as saying

Babies are God's opinion that life should go on.

I'm certain this is true. Yadon has changed our family. Just a month ago it was Chi and I alone. Now we have four in our little family. We're a team. We're united in love. We're blessed to be together.

I don't get much time to dream these days... Maybe I don't need to dream... my awakening is so awesome that I don't need to create fantasy.

I'm always thinking about how perfect my pair is. I have a beautiful, intelligent, selfless, inquisitive, devoted daughter who is well beyond her 5 3/4 years of life. And now I have a handsome son with the world ready and waiting to be discovered and conquered however he chooses.

[Saturday Sept. 20 @ Cox Farms]

Fall Festival

The last two posts have been about my daily struggle with Yadon… it’s been a difficult few days. I did get several offers of advice and descriptions of possible ailments Ya may be suffering from. The recommendations and support was very much appreciated.

If we don’t see a change in the next two days, we’re off to the pediatrician for rescue.

Anyway, this past weekend we took Chi to Cox Farms in Centreville for some much needed energy release.

Here’s some of the highlights:

Failure

Those who know me know that I despise failure. I lament against my own and am disgusted when someone else - usually my students - chooses to allow himself to fail. You know, that defeatist position that is so often easier to take on than is the one of hope. So here I am after a night when I accepted defeat.

Yadon woke up somewhere in the 4-5 a.m. time frame with a few whimpers. This is the usual "ahhh" cry he uses to notify me that it's time to eat. As I am the food source (thanks to my insistence on breast feeding), the whines put me on duty while Marques gets a few precious minutes more of sleep. So I whipped one out - there really is no delicate way to say that - and attempted to help Ya latch like the illustrated "how to" breast feed guide says I'm supposed to do.

Ordinarily this is no big deal, seeing as how we've been at it almost a month now. He usually shakes his head left and right with his mouth gaped open, lets out what can only be described as a growl, and then clamps his jaws down hard on his nipple. Sometimes he even lets out this relief sigh as he begins to eat. It'd be a comical sight to share if I weren't trying to preserve some modesty.

Last night, though, Ya latched and let go... latched and let go. And in between his latching, he'd claw at me with his fingers, writhe his body and arch his back as if being attacked, and cry loud and uncontrolled sobs.

Surely this meant a gas bubble, so I tried to burp him. He stopped crying long enough to acknowledge his new positioning on my shoulder and then resumed his "tantrum." After 15 or so more minutes of this fruitless battle to feed him, my frustration set in and I found myself setting him down beside me and saying “Just go ahead and cry then.”

Thankfully Marq took my cue and rescued Ya from himself, as Marq began an interchanging routine of bouncing, rocking, kissing, talking, changing and walking Ya around the house. It worked… for a few minutes… and then as Ya would begin to calm and allow his eyes to drift shut, he’d remember whatever ailment he was suffering from and would begin his tantrum again.

By 6 a.m. I had managed to wipe away the steady stream of tears that followed my giving up and decided to relieve Marq of his efforts to satisfy Ya. Again we started the attempts at feeding and I was slightly more successful… except I couldn’t stop crying. So picture Ya reasonably content and eating, and Mommy assuming the melancholy mood– body shaking with sobs and tears flowing. Now Marq couldn’t simply go back to sleep for a few precious moments before waking for work. Nope, Daddy now had to figure out how to soothe a hopelessly hormonal Mommy.

Sometime after that all three of us had drifted off to sleep. I woke with a start at 7:18 realizing that Marq needed to be up for work and Chi needed to prepare for school.

[Had Chi been awake during our dawn ordeal, she’d have likely saved the day. Somehow her high pitched “Goodnight and sleep tight my baby brud-der-er” renditions stop Ya from crying. He doesn’t even mind that she smells of “hanitizer” because she never forgets to disinfect before coming near her baby.]

This morning, Ya began a repeat performance of yesterday and last night. He’s sleep now – thankfully – but I know there’ll be more when he awakens. When will my son be happy again?

Growing Pains

Ya is terribly unhappy. Since waking up this morning he has been crying with a ferocious intensity - eyes tightly closed, legs kicking, hands clenched, and body red with fury. I've rocked, I've fed, I've burped... nothing has worked. The brief reprieves from his wails are far apart and few. His tears fill his eyes. He is miserable.

Allowing him to just cry it out seems torturous. I've held him close and stroked his little body. I've kissed him and whispered my love for him. And still he cries.

In between feedings he throws up. We change clothes quick to avoid drafts and wrap up tight. We've checked the diaper for potential discomforts. Nada.

He's quiet only when napping, and even then if he thinks about whatever it is disturbing him, his face contorts and reddens and his eyes tighten as he whines.

Mommy is getting worried. What is wrong with Ya? I don't want to be frustrated, it's not his fault he feels icky. But what am I to do?

Well Baby Visit

We had our first official well baby visit yesterday, though we've gone to the pediatrician now three times for issues with jaundice and weight loss.

Ya was in pretty good spirits and didn't freak out about being declothed for the proceedings. The jaundice is clearing up every day, and his yellowed eyes are showing whiter all the time.

He was a bit miffed about being placed on the scale, but the reading more than made up for his frustration. He now weighs in at a delicate 7lbs 3ozs. Considering that he came home in the 5lb category reminiscent of the flower baby projects in high school, this weight gain is a tremendous accomplishment!

Dr. M was surprised at his progress and I finally got kudos for my efforts at breast feeding. Yes, Ya is a feed-on-demand baby, which makes travel awkward and family members who visit a bit cautious of catching overexposure. I've no knack for the cover-up efforts and have on more than one occasion out of the house covered both Ya and my entire head to assist the feeding process along discreetly. I'm sure that it made a spectacle, but hey, I'm not one for wardrobe malfunctions or Girls Gone Wild flashing (even if for a good cause).

Last night I realized that his oversized onsies actually appeared to be snuggly fitting for the first time (newborn size). And his face is filling out nicely as he starts the plump. I suppose if he had been given the three extra weeks in womb he so deserved, he'd have already been at this size. Remember, he was due on September 19!

As for landmarks in his three weeks of life on earth:

• Ya continues to lift his head while on his tummy and now holds it up unassisted for 15-30 seconds
  
• He kicks legs and flails arms at the same time (has since the day he was born)
• He remains alert and attentive for 30-60 minutes before sleeping
• He reacts to loud noises in the environment
• He uses his legs to push himself into optimal nursing position
• He turns his head toward familiar voices and smells
• He smiles in his sleep and sometimes when awake
• He demonstrates concentration with a furrowed brow and focused eyes
  

M.Y.

Blessed

I'm a lucky girl...

I've got a tremendously supportive family who accepts whatever actions and choices I make and then prays to ensure I am the better for those decisions. I have parents who come to my rescue without expecting me to walk across water to repay them (how can I ever give back what they've given me, anyway?). I have brothers who demonstrate unconditional love for their incredibly eccentric big (little) sister and who sacrifice for the benefit of their niece and nephew. And I have a host of close relatives and friends who keep me in their thoughts, prayers, and contact so that I know I am never alone.

Then I have my Chi... she has been and continues to be the light in my life. She is the reason I believe God gave me to fight through the sickness that tried to send me to an early grave in 2002. She is selfless and loving far beyond need. And she is so very intelligent and intuitive that I am amazed she is a part of me.

And now I have little Yadon, the M.Y. that was missing from my vanity plates... He's a mystery yet to be uncovered. He's a handsome little man with an old soul and a personality that begs for physical contact and attention. And he's quickly claimed a piece of my heart in a way I'd not known was possible...

I'm a lucky girl.

Hmmm....

You know how people sometimes say that a child has an old soul? Well, I'm beginning to suspect that Yadon has inherited the spirit of some little old man.

Last night he decided that 2 a.m. began his social hour. He was alert, eyes darting around the room, hands seeking something to grasp, and vocal cords ready to sound off if mommy dared try to put him to bed. Admittedly, it's not often he is quiet, awake and so interested in me, so I toughed out the late night bonding. Little man sat in my lap with his eyes averted to the television and watched Bravo TV's late night repeat of "Salon Takeover." I swear he was actually watching TV. Occasionally, he'd reach out to grab my hand, coo, or rotate his body toward me to play-eat. You'd be amazed at how well he shifts his position, flips from tummy to back, and adjusts his head at only two weeks old...

While I don't remember much of the first weeks Chi and I shared at home, this behavior from Yadon has me seriously questioning whether I actually brought home an infant, or if someone gave me a micro adult instead. I can't wait to see what comes next from him. I just hope it comes after 7 a.m. when I can enjoy and appreciate it without secretly dreaming of sleep and willing Yadon to join me!

Babymoon over?

It's 12 p.m.

I'm home alone, with mom back at work and Chi in school. Yadon is laying on the bed crying (again) and I admit that I am feeling a bit like the "Ferberizing" spoken of in 'Meet the Fockers' was a really good idea. He's okay if he's in my arms, diaper freshly changed and feeding happily on a breast... but put little man down, and the lungs explode! How can I leave him in daycare all day knowing he'll spend it screaming? I'm feeling a bit guilty listening to him cry only a few feet away from me and it's hard to resist coming to his aide.

Last night was a battle with two insomniacs - Chi playing an inherited Game Gear (the glowing blue screen gave her away) and Yadon completely ignoring our "schedule" and refusing to be content. It was indeed a long night. Chi finally went to sleep after the game was confiscated and I gave her a big hug and kiss around 2 a.m. Yadon dozed breifly around the same time, but was up again before 4 a.m. pretending to be hungry, then helping to soak my night clothes (ah the joy of breast feeding!), and finally spitting up on me and refilling his diaper only to fall asleep in my arms without having eaten. I almost squished him this morning, waking up laying on my side, with Yadon up against my back on his side... How'd that happen?

As I type this, the room has suddenly gone quiet... after 7 minutes of straight crying, could it be that he has soothed himself? I'm tempted to run over and check on him, but I wonder if it will wake him up (if he's sleep) or irritate him that I am so close without touching him. I so want to hold and caress him, to keep him close to me as long as possible... but I also want him to be able to cope with separation.

I desperately want to prepare a few scrapbook pages of Yadon's first week post-womb... and though I've pulled a few patterned papers, I haven't even begun to plan a single page of memories. I'm hoping that the letters I wrote for both my babies last night will make good entries in their books, and I ordered photos of the kids to accompany my journaling. Perhaps if I read a few magazines I'll be inspired?

Lisa (of Lisa Julia Photography) calls this newborn stage the "babymoon." It's the time when your heart is clenched around the remarkable new life you've created. Your every breath is for him and you cannot imagine how you breathed before. I'm admittedly blessed beyond my worth. I have two healthy children! I am preparing to embark on a journey with Yadon into babyhood, toddlerhood, and all the precious moments between birth and five that Chi and I shared. How awesome is that?

So, I guess that despite the shaky start of this day of rainy weather and baby tears (actually, his tear ducts don't work yet, but I know he's shedding them on the inside), I am still sitting amidst my babymoon period... and trying to savor every minute of it.

fASHION dIVA

Big sister began first grade this Sept. 2nd and likewise began her first fashion show in public school. It's quite different than being in private school - new people, new schedule, new expectations, and - of course - no uniform.

Homecoming...

Chi has been a godsend through this whole change. From praying for a sibling, to counting down the days to his arrival, to welcoming her answered prayer into the world, Chi has been amazing. Isn't that the sure sign of a well-adjusted, amazing, perfect child? There's not been a moment of jealousy. In fact, Chi has been selfless - ensuring both mommy and "baby brudder" are taken care of. Ya has entered the world as a content, easy going little man with an old face and a sweet personality. He set a 4 hour schedule (then promptly broke it this weekend) for food, sleep, and changing. While I don't know much about this little guy yet, I am so ready to learn it all. He already powers himself over from tummy to back (or side), as his legs and arms have tremendously forceful strength. He holds his own pacifier and occasionally throws it in frustration. He cries only when he needs something and dares you to figure it out before he really belts out cries.

So far we think he has hair like his uncle, which uncle says he needs to use early, cause it goes away in the early twenties. His eyes were gray and we hoped they'd be hazel, but they appear to be basic brown like all of us. Oh well, it works. We're watching his color shift closer to the brown skin we so love on Chi. So far my favorite feature is his big brown lips (like daddy's).

I'm now up and down the stairs (albeit slowly) following my c-section. Honestly, if it weren't for the recovery, this C club is one to be in. I knew the day and time of my little one's arrival and came into the hospital like this: "We have an appointment, Jones." We were given a pre-determined room right next to the OR and already had our labor gear ready for us. My family was able to sit with us and we could relax while waiting for the doctor to arrive for surgery. With a trama team on standby, this delivery was less stressful than Chi's (though equally blessed and treasured).

Surreal

We heard him before we saw him - - booming cries from healthy lungs rang out in the operating room as he was evicted from his 37 week lease of my belly.

I saw nothing but a little gray foot as Dr. H held up our brand new son and proclaimed, "It's a boy!" [Can't help but wonder how many times an OBGYN says that during his or her career]

Marques was permitted to snap a photo, and so I saw our little baby through the camera LCD recall.

It was a surreal experience and this time, I remember every minute vividly...