This is our story

The long awaited results of my amniocentesis came this morning in the form of an e-mail. My son has no traces of the fatal Trisomy 18, nor any other chromosonal disorder. He shows no signs of spina bifida or neurological disorders. He is, as far as his tests go, healthy.

It has been a long 11 days of waiting for a phone call. It has been 18 days since that initial conversation with my doctor. It has been a fortnight of choices, of doubt, of sadness. And it has been a prayer-filled period - - not of hope, persay, but that His will be done and I be able to accept whatever it was...

So it looks like I can finally celebrate this soon-to-arrive son of mine. I can cherish those sweet little kicks and picture how he'll look when I'm holding him in my arms. I can thank God for the miracle of his creation and the blessing he is to my little family.

I am blessed.

No more tormented thoughts about a stolen future... granted nothing is promised, but thank God He has a plan for this little one that goes beyond this pregnancy.

Does prayer work? Yes. Just yesterday my cousin texted me reassurance that this little boy was gonna be okay. There's a little angel in Heaven who said he's not ready to welcome a playmate into paradise with him... And Marq said he spoke with God and things would be fine. Faith is a beautiful thing and I am grateful to have so many people who pray for me and with me on a regular basis. My friend (who's expecting her own little one) had her whole family praying for this news. Countless people I don't even know asking God to make things okay... that's a blessing.

And as I type this there are no eloquent words... it's hard to see the keyboard through my tears. These are happy tears, though... these are tears of a mommy who would like nothing better than to have the opportunity to cherish her son and experience with him all that life has to offer. Finally I can breathe again. And I can restart my countdown until our little prince celebrates his birthday.

I'm ready for September.

I've got the Golden Ticket

So LauraChioma tells me this morning that she wants to bring in my traffic citation for show and tell.  It seems she told her classmates that mom got a "golden ticket" from the policeman.  If that's the case, then the nurses are Umpaloompas (the creepy little guys who cause mischief) and the hospital was my chocolate factory.  The bubble room?  Had to be that hour-long sonogram/ultrasound.  My glass elevator at the end?  Release and freedom from the stupid IV that kept the bathroom from me.  The sequel?  hmmm...

You just can't make this stuff up!

Continuing Saga

I think that cat I saw a month or so ago was black... and yes, he crossed my path as I drove to work. 

This has been one continuous string of stresses in a month I'd really like to erase. 

Today's feature attraction: my Celica, the first car I'd purchased for myself by myself, likely saw its last day of travel.  Final resting place?  Collision Pro.  If not totaled, the deduct is another $500 out of pocket. 

Oh, and apparently I can't drive.  I have a court date now to confirm it.  I suspect that this is a direct result of the other accident in February when the girl rear-ended me at a red light and shoved my car out of drive (with full brakes on) into neutral.  Surely the brakes did not go unscathed from that?  But anyway, I am the one being blamed for this one... lady stopped suddenly to allow a light-flashing fire/rescue vehicle pass on his red (our green).  He didn't have much of an emergency, since he stayed more than a half hour to say I refused to stop.

No doubt a colleague called to report slow traffic on route one this morning... and I'm sure a dozen or so teachers/students passed my little crunched up car en route to work.  Chi was a bit nervous that Mommy would be in big trouble.  She hid under her blanket as the three officers, the original emergency vehicle and an ambulance arrived at the scene.  She watched our car get loaded onto the flat bed tow. And during her ride in the police car to the hospital to meet with me, she even asked the officer if I would be taken to jail.  He assured her no, and she seemed content with that response.

Did you know that accident victims ride in the same EMR vehicles?  Yep.  I got to sit on a bench next to a completely boarded up Hispanic woman named Flor.  Her son thought he was on some sort of field trip... and she was reprimanded for the pathetic car seat he was strapped in.

On the plus side, if you can call it that, I got to see my son again today during my 7-hour emergency room visit.  He's kinda cute from what I can tell of the grainy facial shot the girl snapped.  Of course I didn't get to keep the 78 or so images of all his vitals because ER patients don't get that luxury, but it was an hour long glimpse into his daily routine.  Turns out he hates being poked, and instead of kicking against the invasion, he moves clear across his space.  It makes finding his heartbeat a chore and looking for a profile picture a near-impossible feat.  He does, however, enjoy demonstrating his "family jewels" to confirm again he is all-boy.

Only issue I had with the hospital was the freezing cold room (and flimsy sheet cover)... oh, and the IV drip that made me have to pee but kept me hostage to the bed.

UPDATE: The car isn't totaled, but the damages are 50% of its current Blue Book value.  I'll have my Celi back in May.

... and the winner is

Current mood: blessed

After a rather stressful morning - a blood draw for a study of expectant mothers with RhNeg blood; a RhoGam shot in the behind; and the most important test of my life thus far, our amniocentesis - the doctor assured me that the gender of my baby was either male or female. No shit, Sherlock. The RhoGam shot, he confirmed, was a pain in the butt. Then he says roll over and stabs me in the toosh. Ouch. And the genetic counselor, Emilie, admitted that the study conductors were quite anal about labels... and I was helping medical science by providing three viles of blood (since I happened to be there and fit the criteria). It seems everyone is a wise guy at the GIVF center. I suppose they have to be, as they have the difficult job of announcing bad news (though I'm sure their fertility clients make it a blessed position).

While the remainder of our test for Trisomy 18 is pending a phone call 8-14 days from now, the assurance from the doctor was the "third leg" was clearly visible.

BOY

So... LauraChioma is going to have a little brother. This is a blessing, as our likelihood of T18 has reduced again with the gender announcement. Females are more prone to T18.

Additionally, the ultrasound showed me a very "normal" looking baby. No oddly shaped head, perfectly normal arms and legs. A perfectly beating heart. An attitude everytime he felt pressure from above. Dr. Stern said "Don't loose any sleep" while waiting for my tests to come back. He seemed confident enough that my little man is gonna avoid the prognosis I so dread.

I'm feeling a little sore (mostly my backside, but my stomach hurts too) and I'm on 48 hours of restricted activity. Then, life returns to a seemingly normal routine. In less than a fortnight, I'll get the all clear to begin planning for the next 22 weeks of this pregnancy blessing and the birth of my son.

Remaining in prayer and eternally blessed,

R

Now I Lay Me...

I've been frequenting a blog for the last week called "Bring the Rain."  It chronicles the story of Audrey Smith, a little angel that blessed her parents and the world with her birth story.  Her mom, Angie, posted a letter to Audrey following her passing.

Within that letter was a simple mention of an organization I'd not heard of.  Did you know there are photographers out there who donate their time and talents to families facing the loss of their new babies?  The organization is call "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep," and is a free service dedicated to creating remembrance photos for grieving families.  The photographers go to the hospitals and often witness the births, brief lives, and often the passing of these babes (angels) and capture each moment on film.

So... I made a small donation in honor of a little angel I know of.  Someday maybe I'll tell his mom it was made in his name. 

Anyway... if you have a few dollars to spare (tax deductible), consider making a donation too.

Thank You (from the bottom of my heart)

It didn't dawn on me how many people actually pass by this blog during their online trists.  And sometimes it's easy to forget how blessed I am with the huge family I have.  I appreciated the calls, e-mails and texts of concern and I'm doing okay.

Mom will accompany me to the tests tomorrow for support.  According to GIVF.com, where the tests will be performed, the amnio is routine for them.  I'll speak to a counselor before the tests and likely one after I get my results in whatever form they come in.  I expect to know the gender of my little gem before I leave... I don't think that's asking too much.

It's not the way I wanted to share the news of my great expectation... but I'm praying that his/her healthy arrival will make up for the bittersweet announcements of these past few days.

1:76

Current mood: determined

So the numbers are revealed... 1:76 probability that our baby has T18. Seems low enough to me, but to have some peace I'll have the amniocentesis performed on Monday at 9a.m. Dr. H thinks we're actually at 18 weeks... test takes one week to process and then God's plan for this baby will be revealed. On the plus side, I'll have a 100% guarantee of gender accuracy.

In prayer...

R

Diversion

Today was a good day.  I accompanied Laura's class to the Richmond Science Museum.  I discovered why I appreciate elementary school teachers but definately do not envy them.  I got to take pictures of LC interacting with her classmates and being a kid. 

It was one of those rare occasions that working moms don't get too often.  It was a good day.

contemplation

Although I'd rather be having the usual sonogram to discover the gender of my little gem, I think I'm going to elect to have the amniocentesis. Of course, I'll still pick Dr. Heritage's brain tomorrow about risks and probabilities, but I'm almost comfortable with the idea of this invasive test. Supposedly it's diagnostic and will let us know whether J-D is going to be celebrating his/her birthday in September as planned.

I've been doing a lot of studying about the maternal serum screening tests. I know they're just screens for potential problems. Sometimes they're "false positive" with a perfectly healthy baby. I've visited several info pages about Trisomy 18 and know the truth and the likelihoods. If baby is a full T18 case, there'll be new decisions. I'm thinking I'll carry to term regardless of the results. I don't have to explain anything to anyone and I'll treasure the gift that is this pregnancy as long as I can.

Of course I know full well that the baby won't have a long life; average expectancy is less than 2 months if birthed.

And there's the possibility that he/she is a partial case or has some other genetic issues of concern. That might mean our family structure will change drastically as we make allowances for the additional care and attention that will require.

If God hears our prayers (Lord knows Laura's been sending them up for a sibiling for months), we'll get a more positive result from the amnio. Then I can celebrate again. Then his/her little kicks and tickles will be more welcomed again. Then I can happily confirm the suspicions of my students who've been watching my expanding waistline and changing wardrobe with whispers and raised brows. And then poor Marq can share his elation at being a father for the first time with his extended friends.

And to whomever is out there reading this, all I ask is that you too send up a little prayer for us. I don't really care what you ask Him for... it's in His hands anyway.

Lotto

Current mood: depressed

The odds are against me here, and for once I am grateful. Tomorrow is the long awaited doctor’s appointment, and since the man wont come to the phone to clarify things for me, I’ll have to pick his brain in person.

My questions: Should I be playing the lotto? I’ve never won anything in my life, so if I can get a 1 out of 3000 odds hit, then I’m damn good. What exactly was my probability? I mean, I hated statistics, but I can certainly weigh the probability of something occuring against the risks of proving or disproving a potentiality.

My other half says he’s praying that the Lord has provided health and well being. My prayers are slightly different. I’ve prayed that His will be done. That whatever happens in the upcoming months I can handle. That my little family’s future will be blessed - either with peace or (even better) with growth.

Amazing how you go from one day’s state of euphoria to premature (maybe) greif and (for me) depression. Last week I was announcing good news and this week I’m sharing news with those same people that has rocked my world.

I don’t think I ask for much in this life... and it seems that everything I get comes to me with difficulty. Is it worth it, God yes. But why can’t I -for once- skip the obstacles and just get my gift? Does He think it wont be appreciated as much if I didnt have to struggle for it?

So here I am, waiting, praying, pretending that I’m okay with things and am functioning normally. I must say, I’m pretty good at it at this point - hiding my feelings... but I’m tired of having to. I’m not that strong. I’m not this patient. I’m not a born optimist. I’m just me... and all I really want is to stop this persistant ache in my heart that began the day I got that monotone, non affected voicemail from my doctor.

tested

Current mood: miserable

I told dad of the current situation, which I’m not prepared to share with the world... he had some pretty catchy advice:

From each test comes a testimony.

I sure would like to be at the point when I could speak about how faith brought me through. Instead, though, I’m prayerful (and tearful) until HE gives me some solace. It may not be what I want, but at least it’ll be HIS will.

when it rains...

Current mood: sad

It seems like this is the month I’m gonna look back on and try desperately to erase from memory, from records, from existence.

Doctor ran some "routine screening" tests indicating bad news - - it seems me and negative results come hand in hand. So my options? More tests. Dangerous tests. Potentially deadly tests.

This on top of realizing that Chi isn’t allowed to go to the better (and more convenient ) school I’d intended for her to go to. So next year’s commute is gonna be ridiculous and she’ll have to learn Spanish to survive the playground.

My car’s in the shop thanks to a hurried idiot who ran into me at a stop light. Her insurance sucks and makes everything difficult (a 3 month process?).

First rental car they gave me wouldn’t let me adjust the seat. Second had manual everything and no CD or tape player. And I’m sure I’ll get to pay for a day’s rental when they call to say the car is not finished.

Am I having fun yet?