Wednesday, April 9, 2008


Current mood: depressed

The odds are against me here, and for once I am grateful. Tomorrow is the long awaited doctor’s appointment, and since the man wont come to the phone to clarify things for me, I’ll have to pick his brain in person.

My questions: Should I be playing the lotto? I’ve never won anything in my life, so if I can get a 1 out of 3000 odds hit, then I’m damn good. What exactly was my probability? I mean, I hated statistics, but I can certainly weigh the probability of something occuring against the risks of proving or disproving a potentiality.

My other half says he’s praying that the Lord has provided health and well being. My prayers are slightly different. I’ve prayed that His will be done. That whatever happens in the upcoming months I can handle. That my little family’s future will be blessed - either with peace or (even better) with growth.

Amazing how you go from one day’s state of euphoria to premature (maybe) greif and (for me) depression. Last week I was announcing good news and this week I’m sharing news with those same people that has rocked my world.

I don’t think I ask for much in this life... and it seems that everything I get comes to me with difficulty. Is it worth it, God yes. But why can’t I -for once- skip the obstacles and just get my gift? Does He think it wont be appreciated as much if I didnt have to struggle for it?

So here I am, waiting, praying, pretending that I’m okay with things and am functioning normally. I must say, I’m pretty good at it at this point - hiding my feelings... but I’m tired of having to. I’m not that strong. I’m not this patient. I’m not a born optimist. I’m just me... and all I really want is to stop this persistant ache in my heart that began the day I got that monotone, non affected voicemail from my doctor.