Where Ya At Mama?

Oh, so many things are happening right now... and it feels so horrid not to be able to share freely. It's as though I've embarked upon a covert mission, and cannot divulge the specifics of my movements on penalty of death. Or, like one of my favorite shows [poTledoM] has proven of late, perhaps I have signed some iron-clad confidentiality agreement and to reveal information prematurely would thwart my chances at winning a title?

I'm still out in the universe... still writing... still dreaming... but right now I'm living in the moment instead of chronicling it.

But I miss you.

Texture Tuesday: Autumn Burst

I wish I had something amazing to write about today. Frankly, though, I feel a little blah. Today was the Home Going service for my son's grandpa. In a series of unfortunate events, I found myself missing from this very important family affair. Try as I might, there was just no way to make an appearance and that is just not acceptable. It's a true epic fail.

Ya wont get the opportunity to really know the man that was his grandpa. At just three years old, his time with him was short and his memory of those visits will fade. I regret deeply that I didn't insist on bombarding the in-laws with my camera. I guess when it comes right down to it, I'm unreasonably shy about snapping away when I'm just coming into an environment. Now my family? They already know - expect - me to come with camera in hand, so though they may not be fans of my paparazzo persona, they accept it as Rachelle being Rachelle. I should've snapped more pictures. I should've insisted on grouping them together for a portrait or two. I should've snuck around a corner in stealth mode and just sniper fired snap shots. I should've... I didn't.

So... there isn't anything to write about. Nothing profound to say. So I'll retreat into what brings me a little peace in my otherwise tumultuous day.


Today's Texture Tuesday challenge was to incorporate the theme "do" with the texture Autumn Burst. First, I love the boldness of this texture offering by K.K. It's divine. I had a mediocre shot of a family of mushrooms (I'm thinking it's a new Smurf estate and condo offering that's not quite ready for market yet). Because I didn't have to worry about faces being distorted by the texture layers, I felt I had freedom to really apply them to the capture.

I adjusted the levels on the original image and chose to keep it on the darker side. I ran Pure PhotoShop Action's Brown Haze, which seems to really pull out the color I saw in the real mushroom collective. I used a "soft overlay" of the Autumn Burst in PS-CS5. I also added Break Free texture (at 35 percent) with "multiply."

I really liked the idea that the mushrooms were bursting from the ground (courtesy of the wet weather of late). Despite the carefully manicured lawn they appeared in, they were doing exactly what they wanted to where they wanted. Plus, their ability to break through the wood chips with complete abandon and freedom is always impressive.


Shared with Sweet Shot Tuesday @ My 3 Boybarians.

Moving Day Has Arrived

The official "open house" is scheduled for July 15, but we're already starting to unpack in the new space.  To say I love it is a bit understated.  I'm excited to see what's in store for us in our new home.  I hope you'll stop in and check us out!  Oh, and drop me a message to say hello if you do come visit.

And, if you still wanna keep in touch, consider subscribing and we'll continue being "penpals."

A New Friend

Is it possible to call someone you've never really met IRL (in real life) a friend?  I think it is...

I have a new friend.  So new, in fact, that I've just bookmarked her webspace and blog (http://www.youandmekid.net/).  Her name is Kristi and she's a lot like me in the social department: one of those ladies who found herself in a relationship until the mention of a baby left her completely single - - unless you consider that baby makes two. 

See there's no special math in my life (and baby makes three?)  though for a brief period two years ago, I thought there might be.  Oh, wait, if you count me and the kids, I guess there are three of us... but you know what I mean.

Anyway, she calls herself a SOAP (single only active parent), which is something I can totally relate to.  Chi has been all mine since day one.  I need consult no one about her daycare, schooling, clothing, healthcare, or anything - - her every well-being is my decision and my responsibility.  Of course, I've kept the line of communication open for her, and she can call her Dad whenever she feels the urge.  He's the phone father. 

Now Ya's dad and I are trying it a little different.  It's an evolving parental experiment (aren't all child raising efforts capable of being described as such?).  We're operating in parental partner mode, and thus far it seems to be working.

Oh, I bet you're wondering how my "friend" and I are alike?  Well, if I want to take a night off, it involves commandeering one of the grandparents for a sitter; carefully planning out how far I can get without arriving too late for a decent, respectful kid pick up; and being riddled with guilt for the entire evening of "escape" because I'm shirking on my mommy duties.  Being a 24-7 parent means just that - and regular outings without the kids make me feel like I've left something tremendously essential to my functioning behind.

And the issue with learning financial savvy?  Yeah, it's often called juggling around here.  You see, with daycare bills and baby essentials averaging between 1/4 and 1/2 of the take home salary, and housing expenses claiming the rest, it takes a pretty creative person to figure out where the funds for kid-extracurriculars, clothes, incidentals, and adventures is going to come from.  Stay-cation, anyone?  Trip to grandparents' house for diversifying our environment?  Nature walks, treasure hunts, and endless park trips?  Oh, yeah.

I'm always torn about whether I should admit that the extra $3 for this and $10 for that (that always seems to come home from school) adds up to a burden I'm sometimes unable to deal with save getting loans from my childless kid brothers.  I really don't want my child excluded from something the whole class is doing.

As for eating... I know how to stretch a buck on food - - let me tell you.  We stopped visiting the King and Mc, but we love a good buffet.  Ask me when the lunch price turns to dinner, because I guarantee I'm there 10 minutes before it does to benefit from the dinner food at the lunchtime prices.  As for grocery shopping, I'm a master at freezing the bought- it-on-sale meats (although occassionally the burn sets in and I can't identify something I just had to save). I shop in bulk for the must-haves, the dollar store covers the storage needs, and I can duck walk for the store brand bargains like a pro.  The 30 Minute Meal and Five Ingredient Recipes cookbooks *decorate* my kitchen counter. Oh, and I've got a few SAHM sites with great recipes and tips for cooking if I ever get time to try a few.

So, I'm excited that I've made a friend, and her Blog Frog community may bring a few more my way.  Maybe if I peruse her posts over coffee it'll feel like a girlfriend chat at Starbucks?  Maybe.

Recovering from the marathon

I am shocked... I actually care about that "followers" number in the corner of my blog.  I really didn't think I did.  I mean, this blog is about my kids and me -  - a place for me to give my Mom (a committed reader, though not a follower) a good laugh while at work and a spot for me to share (let's face it, gripe) what's been going on in this Forever single life as a parent of two.

But then I saw my number drop down a person.  And I was personally hurt.  I don't even know who the person was, but I wracked my brain to figure out what I'd done to send him/her away. 

Was it the blogapalooza?  I mean 24 posts in 24 hours can kill a person's blog reader, right?  In my defense, I caught up a lot in that day - - finishing up my vacation chronicles, locating and preserving my chi-isms that were previously scattered around in the most obscure locations, and just releasing myself of a lot of writing I'd not had a chance to do in a long time.  Oh, and I cannot forget that I earned a $24.95 voucher to print a hardbound copy of my blog for my troubles - - it was supposed to be a whole blog book, but mine was 45 pages, and they only covered 20.

I think I might be paranoid.  Just as quick as I considered blogapalooza as a reason for the lost reader, I decided it must be something more personal. 

I've lost my voice!  Could it be that I'm not funny anymore?  Really, I never thought I was - - and I never consciously set out to be.  Could it be that I somehow offended this anonymous reader?  If I did, I'd love to know what it was, because though I ramble on and on about my encounters, observations, and reflections, I don't think I'm that much of a threat against the opinionated.  Hmmm.... what power I could wield if someone actually were listening.  Can I confine that power in a spray bottle, spritz a teacher cape with it, and wear it (discretely under my clothes) to work in my classroom?  I'd be super teacher for sure!

Whatever the reason for the exodus (is one person an exodus, perhaps I should look it up), I'm grateful I have this meager spot in cyberspace to record my history.

An unrelated topic entirely...

I've been playing around in PhotoShop quite a bit lately.  I'm trying to determine my editing style.  So I thought I'd share a portrait in progress I took the other day.  The picture was taken with my "no flash" auto setting on the Canon, and I had little man distracted with a banana and the television as I composed a quick picture, adjusted my bedroom light (it has an "N:vision" daylight bulb in it), and snapped away.

This is SOOC (straight out of camera):

Here, I just adjusted the "levels" - - my instructor at j-school mentioned this was an acceptible tweak to a photo:

This uses Pioneer Woman's free Action Set II "Bring on the Eyes" at 40% and "Define and Sharpen":

On top of the previous, I used CoffeeShop Powder Room (step 1: Smooth Skin only) for this shot:

Going back a step and using the D&S version, I added Pioneer Woman's "Lovely and Ethereal" action:

I went all the way back to the SOOC image, added CoffeeShop "Creamy Chocolate Black and White" and Pioneer Woman's "Bring on the Eyes" (100% this time):

Then I used the above save and adjusted the "levels" which brightened the background (this is my favorite version):

And here's a quick side by side to compare...

Seeking inspiration

I have a little book.  I hardly ever use it.  I bought it on the chance that I might need to research some topic in the Bible in haste.  The reference is called The Little Book on Where to Find It In the Bible.  Well, I was trying to find something about the relationship of siblings for my previous post, but happened across an entry for "diary," which is sort of what this blog is for me.
There were three entries, but I chose (somewhat arbitrarily) this one:

Job 19: 23-24

 

23 “Oh that my words were written
Oh that they were inscribed in a book!
24 Oh that with an iron pen and lead
they were engraved in the rock forever!

from the ESV translation

There are right now two books of my blog-diary which span from January 2009-July 2010.  I cherish them.  I love going back through and reading all that my little family has experienced.  I reflect on where we were and where we are.  It's different than a scrapbook - it's my words - usually raw - written pretty much at the same time I pushed "publish post" and sent my thoughts into cyberspace.  Wow. 

24 in 24?

Am I ready for this? No, probably not... but I signed up for Blog2Print's Blogapalooza anyway.   The requirement is that for 24 hours straight - 11am August 17 - 11am August 18, I post one blog entry an hour.  Oh boy!  I'm excited and nervous at the same time to see if I have that much to say.

I suppose it's kind of like Twitter - - except that I like my blog to have pictures every time I post.  Yikes!

Wish me luck ;)

Mommy's Life List...

I've wanted to create a bucket list for a mighty long time... but as is often the case, I just didn't sit down to do it...

Today, however, I stumbled across Karen Walrond (through her blog, chookooloonks.com) and read about her more euphemistically titled, Life List.  She had borrowed the concept from another blogger, writing at MightyGirl.com.  And now, like probably every other blog browser who's landed on one of these sites, I'm writing my own list.  It's not easy...

Okay, so here goes the first 25 (as I think of them, not in order of importance):

1. 
   
   Make my passion into a career that supports my family.
2. 
   
   Own a ranch style home with enough land for dogs and kids to run uninhibited.
3. 
   
   Paint every room in my home in colors that make me happy.
4. 
   
   Create a home studio for my photography, painting, and whatever other endeavor I want to pursue.
5. 
   
   Learn Spanish fluently.
6. 
   
   Fill up my passport pages.
7. 
   
   Travel to Italy.
8. 
   
   Travel to Spain.
9. 
   
   Take a cruise through the Carribean.
10. 
    
    Swim (or wade, I can't swim) with dolphins.
11. 
    
    See a corral reef in person.
12. 
    
    Take pictures with an underwater camera.
13. 
    
    Take a real safari.
14. 
    
    Go sight seeing in New Mexico.
15. 
    
    Travel to Egypt.
16. 
    
    Go to Jamaica.
17. 
    
    Get married in a small ceremony outdoors.
18. 
    
    Go skiing (on a bunny slope).
19. 
    
    Write a book.
20. 
    
    Take a tour around Peru (Machu Picchu).
21. 
    
    Tour Chile.
22. 
    
    Publish the book I write in #19.
23. 
    
    Take a photo tour of Alaska.
24. 
    
    Return to the outskirts of Hong Kong (village areas).
25. 
    
    Be the first official photographer for my nieces and nephews (hello, baby brother, ready in a few years or more?)

And 25 more:

1. 
   
   Take an African dance class.
2. 
   
   Fit a size 8 again (comfortably).
3. 
   
   Photograph my family members - especially the elders - - unposed.
4. 
   
   Visit one zoo in each of the 50 states.
5. 
   
   See my kids discover their personal successes.
6. 
   
   Have at least one more child.
7. 
   
   Pick five major cities and conduct a photo treasure hunt in each.
8. 
   
   Own a station wagon.
9. 
   
   Visit a light house.
10. 
    
    Read the Bible.
11. 
    
    Go on an island hop of the Hawaiian islands.
12. 
    
    Travel to Australia - especially the outback.
13. 
    
    Teach myself studio lighting.
14. 
    
    Get back into the darkroom.
15. 
    
    Be confident enough to work with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep or some such photographic edeavor.
16. 
    
    Be more confident in my faith.
17. 
    
    Complete at least one 365 project.
18. 
    
    Eliminate my debt. (!)
19. 
    
    Travel to all the National Parks in the U.S. 
20. 
    
    Read and review a novel a month for a year.
21. 
    
    Walk up to 365 strangers and take their portraits.
22. 
    
    Travel to India (Taj Mahal, especially).
23. 
    
    Kiss under a waterfall.
24. 
    
    Better document myself so that my kids have evidence that I existed as more than the photographer...
25. 
    
    Learn to cook 10 dishes from scratch.

photos taken at Virginia Zoo in Norfolk, August 6, 2010

Rose Colored Glasses

I was browsing through my blog entries and noticed a pretty interesting pattern...  I tend to post when I can link to a photo sharing group.  I post  when I am personally in turmoil.  I post when I am celebrating a milestone. 

I truly enjoy documenting the lives of my children and I hope that one day they'll enjoy reading the blog books I'm having printed for them.  But if I focus only on the exciting adventures, the peaks of happiness, and the fabulous times we share, I am cheating them out of their real histories. 

As a journalist, I was taught to seek the story behind the headlines that everyone else went after.  There's a reason why certain dates are important - why certain activities conjure up memories and others are just happenstance (love that word even if I can't spell it).  Some days I grapple with full disclosure wondering if it's safe to share intimate details in such a public forum and I'm always fascinated by the occassional comments I get about what I write (which I don't share with my cherubs regardless of what was said).  If a visitor were to read the latest linked post, they might draw the false conclusion that life is perfect.

Admittedly, I am pretty blessed: a home, a job, two kids, two dogs, close family and friends, hobbies.  But seeing life through that superficial rose colored glasses picture damages the image being presented.  There are real problems, there is heartache, their is real life trial.  I struggle for balance.  I pray for wisdom and strength.  And I make mistakes - lots of them. 

I enjoy reading the blogs of other people - mostly mothers - and I always leave their posts thinking man, my life must seem pretty easy to others.   It's certainly not a priviledged life, but maybe it is easier in some ways.  I wonder if some of the problems I deal with are self created (like debt, being a single parent, feeling discontent with my career).  I wonder if what I chose to share (and what I don't) taints perception.

My daughter's a reader now.  She often stands behind me as I post and she reads each line with slow deliberation.  She sounds out difficult or new vocabulary and waits for a definition.  She smiles at the pictures.  She adds her own opinion on the topic (and when she walks away I try hard to add it in the way she phrased it). She critiques the posts. 

It's then that I remember why I write in the first place.  For M.Y. Chi  and for myself - - so that when memory fails me there is a record of our lives then and now.   I don't want to forget a moment - - even the hard ones.  I write and I post the only story I can honestly tell.  My story exactly as I live it.  And since it is my story, I think I'm going to make an extra effort to blog about more than just the big events that we'll remember anyway... otherwise there isn't much point in keeping a record.

Blog Bashers

I wrote this to an author of a blog I read regularly:

Wow. I've been in and out for most of this journey you and your family have had over the past year and I am amazed. As most say, you are honest and you are real. You have opened your home to the world and allowed us all to scrutinize, to gawk, to envy and to love. We are voyeurs who devour your every photo and word. And sometimes we are jealous of things we didn't ever really want but perceive that you have. So wow. The audacity of anyone to ridicule, to question, or to defame you is insane. Few people offer to share the good and the bad and the in between so candidly while knowing that the world is judgmental and will likely lash out. You are absolutely right, the X is always an option. And as a reader, I'd prefer that those who have nothing better to say follow the "don't say anything at all" rule and go far, far away in cyberspace. Frankly I ENJOY you writing as only you can and I hope you don't change a thing.

You see, she has been upset (and rightly so) by comments left on her blog posts and in other people's "web feces" (may I coin that term?) all over cyberspace.

Blogging is one of those cathartic exercises that lets the Average Joe(ana) share with the world the musings and chronicles of a life. And sometimes people respond with enthusiasm, which makes AJ all warm and fuzzy in the heart. People can relate, or they can empathize; but sometimes, they are cruel - strangely so for being intruders **ahem** visitors to the site. Don't these bringers of negative vibes realize that bloggers walk a fine line between baring all and saving themselves from web exploitation? That the things a blogger shares reveal more about the individuals who write them than the average person reveals to trusted friends for fear of demonstrating vulnerability? Likely no. And so most of us who blog keep entries superficial at best, worried of a possible backlash of hatred from some passing stranger reader who thought they should squelch the ultra personal cyber outlet, or we blog in code fearing predators are lurking on our pages researching how they can best destroy our peace of mind.

Hmmm...

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothin' at all." Even Thumper (Bambi's rabbit buddy) knew that was the rule to live by... so why don't we?

heavy

I've already said I am a follower of several blogs here in cyberspace.

And, sap that I am, I often find myself emotional over the stories I read of those trying to use mere, imperfect words to describe their emotions. It's not easy. Trust me, I'm an English teacher. I know.

Unless one were to live with a dictionary and thesaurus as their left and right angel, there will likely never be the perfect writer. At least not on first draft.

But life doesn't seem to have time for drafts and rewrites. And sometimes, the first draft - mere, imperfect words and all - is exactly what needs to be said to get the point across.

And as I putz around my house complaining about all the things everyone stepped over instead of picking up, pushed around or piled instead of putting away, ignored instead of cleaned, and avoided with closed doors instead of acknowledging and straightening (including me), I realize that if clutter and dust are what is troubling me most, I truly am blessed. [wow, there's a lot of comma action in that sentence... should I check it for a splice?]

You see, I am typing this because I am tearful. I browsed on over to MckMama's blog hoping to find some happy homecoming post about little Stellan, and instead found this. I've been tired before. I've been exhausted. But my "tired," and my "exhausted" weren't MckMama's tired. And though she gives details of all the things making her tired, the undercore of this unrest she is in is that she is truly, madly, deeply, helplessly, uncontrollably in love with a little boy who is fighting for his life right now. Her heart, like the quote says, is outside her body. It is willing Stellan's to get it together. It is working for two (or maybe for five, as there are three other little ones who share their Mama's heart).

Everyone claims to talk with God - and my daughter's conversations seem to draw His listening ears pretty often. We don't know His plan. We ask that His will be done for Stellan. But at the same time, I can't help but also pray that He eases the strain on MckMama's heart right now.

It is a blessing to have children. It is an honor to be entrusted with raising another life. It is emotional, it is selfless, it is exhausting. But no mommy should have to be tired when all she wants is to be a mommy.

And so I think my prayers for the McKinney family are going to change a little today. I'm praying not only for strength and healing, but for energy to fight for Stellan and with Stellan as they make difficult decisions about his care and are forced to trust the medical team working on his case. May God's will be done, and may His mercy be demonstrated in their lives.

Nearing that day...

Forgive me, for this is a rambling kind of post... and it is evolving of its own accord, not on some well -thought out plan.

---

I told my father in an e-mail that I was expecting his first grandson (though at the time we'd not had confirmation of gender, just a mama;s hunch). That was April 1, 2008 - - April Fool's Day.

Just a week later I received a phone message from Dr. H (who never calls a patient unless their is an issue). No details, no clarity, just a Friday phone message before two days of pregnant-and-emotionally-fickle worry about why I needed the personal attention.

At that point in my pregnancy, Ya was already fluttering around and I could feel his acrobatic performances. They gave me secret comfort - - assurance of his impending birth. Aside from my immediate family, I'd told only one co-worker and though I was showing, tactful folk who knew me refrained from guessing in my presence. I'd share when the time was right for me.

What followed those 48 plus hours of restless worry was a drawn out episode of educate-deny-accept-pray-hope-resolve in a cyclical, sickening cycle. Dr. H said a screen showed Trisomy 18, bad chromosomes. Fatal. Painful, but mercifully brief life. Incurable. Statistically uncommon. Best to terminate ("You do not want a baby with Trisomy 18" and euphemistically the phrase of choice on support sites called his commentary "saying goodbye early.")

I sought comfort in my odds. I held firm to my mom's steady hand through an amniocentesis. I cried, hiding tears in public and letting go alone. My sweet Chi comforted, my Chi ceaselessly prayed. My cousins spread word, called in shifts, and no doubt did a fair share of praying, too. My colleague (more appropriately called friend - a term I rarely use) prayed, comforted, and calmed me between classes when I dwelled on the negative.

Around that same time, as I obsessed over celebrity-babies.com articles, I found a community of support in blogs. You see, that was the day "Bring the Rain" was mentioned - - the day little Audrey Caroline went home to God because she was too precious to stay on Earth. I read the eloquent, extremely personal, heartfelt, God-driven words of Angie Smith and found peace.

The outcome of my amnio confirmed what Ya's daddy had said all along, "I talked to God, he's fine." And ultimately, our little king was born.

And here I am a year later - still devouring blogs, though the celebs are a last resort and the "regular folk" have become my stars of choice. There's power in sharing pieces of one's life. There's understanding in these stories that stretches across cultures, communities, colors and economics (I tried to find a suitable "c" word, but it isn't working). I relish in shedding anonymity for the sake of sharing a good photo story, an anecdote - happy or sad, or even a blurb of reply from someone who's been there, felt that, or is praying for/about it.

Online, these parents can dish about health, wealth, and all that stuff we deal with in this life on earth. Many preach without being preachy, drawing spirituality from their respective faiths and proclaiming it in their reflections.

And as the day my simple outlook on parenting and pregnancy evolved into it's current uncertain and often cloudy state draws ever nearer, I put my faith in Him who has the plan.

Today I pray for you who read this, for those whose stories I read, and for these sweet little ones who need God's tender touch more than me right now:

Samuel J and Stellan M.