Wishing and hoping

I learned about an amazing scholarship opportunity a few weeks ago called SOAR.  It's sponsored by a woman named MeRa who uses her camera not only to freeze moments in time for her family and her clients, but also to empower women to reach for their goals.  I admit that in that reaching, I've been a bit... short.

I submitted a video  - - one that I enlisted my students to record for me because I'm finding more and more often these days that I'm just not techno savvy and pretending only makes me seem more incompetent. 

I, unfortunately, combed through a few videos on the SoarWithMeRa.com site this morning and now there's a lump in my throat that wont go away.  You see, when the camera was finally on me, I couldn't think of anything to say except "um."  Way to go orator, way to go.  From my video, you'd never know I taught - of all things - language arts.  And if you did?  You'd probably yank your kids from my class.

I'm thinking hard about what I said and what I wanted so badly to say but just didn't articulate. 

I'm stuck.  For eight years I've been asking teenagers about their goals and their dreams. I've been pushing them to reach beyond "average" and not to be content with the "at least I passed" mental.  These young adults have come and gone, some never seeming to listen and others - the ones that make me encouraged to keep coming back each school year - return to proudly tell me how they're doing.  I've contributed to columnists, broadcasters, photographers, collegiate stars, and a host of other dreams becoming realities.

 

And yet when it comes to my own goal and to finally making it happen, I've failed yet again at sharing who I am and who I dream of being.  I probably shouldn't feel such an immense regret so early in this game, but it's there. I don't think I did a strong enough job showcasing my desire or my worthiness for this opportunity. It's a terrible feeling.  Call it a teachable moment. 

So, I'll pray that something I wrote in my application captures someone's attention... and if not, I'll thank Him for showing me that I have a lot of confidence building to do if I ever hope to get where I'd like to be.

* photos taken by LAJ, throughout 2009-10