heavy

I've already said I am a follower of several blogs here in cyberspace.

And, sap that I am, I often find myself emotional over the stories I read of those trying to use mere, imperfect words to describe their emotions. It's not easy. Trust me, I'm an English teacher. I know.

Unless one were to live with a dictionary and thesaurus as their left and right angel, there will likely never be the perfect writer. At least not on first draft.

But life doesn't seem to have time for drafts and rewrites. And sometimes, the first draft - mere, imperfect words and all - is exactly what needs to be said to get the point across.

And as I putz around my house complaining about all the things everyone stepped over instead of picking up, pushed around or piled instead of putting away, ignored instead of cleaned, and avoided with closed doors instead of acknowledging and straightening (including me), I realize that if clutter and dust are what is troubling me most, I truly am blessed. [wow, there's a lot of comma action in that sentence... should I check it for a splice?]

You see, I am typing this because I am tearful. I browsed on over to MckMama's blog hoping to find some happy homecoming post about little Stellan, and instead found this. I've been tired before. I've been exhausted. But my "tired," and my "exhausted" weren't MckMama's tired. And though she gives details of all the things making her tired, the undercore of this unrest she is in is that she is truly, madly, deeply, helplessly, uncontrollably in love with a little boy who is fighting for his life right now. Her heart, like the quote says, is outside her body. It is willing Stellan's to get it together. It is working for two (or maybe for five, as there are three other little ones who share their Mama's heart).

Everyone claims to talk with God - and my daughter's conversations seem to draw His listening ears pretty often. We don't know His plan. We ask that His will be done for Stellan. But at the same time, I can't help but also pray that He eases the strain on MckMama's heart right now.

It is a blessing to have children. It is an honor to be entrusted with raising another life. It is emotional, it is selfless, it is exhausting. But no mommy should have to be tired when all she wants is to be a mommy.

And so I think my prayers for the McKinney family are going to change a little today. I'm praying not only for strength and healing, but for energy to fight for Stellan and with Stellan as they make difficult decisions about his care and are forced to trust the medical team working on his case. May God's will be done, and may His mercy be demonstrated in their lives.